Finding balance in relationships

"But promise me something, when you meet a young man…Don’t sing his song, because when you split up, you’ll have lost your voice. Harmonies are the way to go, blending together individual pitches, different tones, to form something rather beautiful where each part retains its own character.”

I thoroughly enjoy working with couples to help them find balance and satisfaction in their romantic relationships. It’s dynamic, lively work that often moves at a pace, and it also has many poignant, deep and unexpected moments as couples find their way into more meaningful rapport.

The quote above, which I find myself unable to properly reference, speaks to me of an issue I see from time to time in couples. On these occasions, an imbalance has arisen where the relationship has become more about one partner than the other. One person is adapting themselves to their partner to such a degree that they have lost their own authentic voice and have become a kind of echo of the other.

This comes at a cost for both people. The contact between people partners is weakened, the dominant one may feel they do not know and cannot reach their partner, and the adapted partner may feel invisible and insignificant.

There are attachment difficulties for both people at play here. Meaningful contact in relationship asks us to make ourselves vulnerable, to be seen and heard as we are, with all the risks of rejection and hurt that come with that. Both dominating and adapting are defences against this authentic relating, and both need to be understood and worked with in order for relationship to deepen.

The research undertaken over many years by the Gottmans has shown that friendship is a very important foundation for romantic relationships. It is this friendship - knowing each other, turning towards each other, sponsoring and assuming the best intent from each other and affirming each other verbally - that weaves the individual pitches and tones into ever changing harmonies that are beautiful to experience and witness. 

Like learning to make melodic harmonies musically, building a strong relationship founded on #friendship, trust and commitment takes practice. You will learn many, many ways not to do it along the way. Having a sincere intent to be open, humble and curious is essential, people can forgive a lot when they trust your intent and commitment.

If you’d like to explore how to weave the best possible harmonies in your romantic relationship, whatever shape it takes, then get in touch to explore #couplescounselling. You can reach me on fejrobinson@gmail.com or on my confidential answer machine on 01325 790495.

#psychotherapy #relationships