Do you say yes when you feel maybe, or even no? Or does it take a resounding inner YESSSSS for you to decide something is right for you?
This is an important question for authentic living. So often, people have been conditioned to please others, to fit in, to do what is expected, and do so at the expense of their own integrity and well-being. This is an affliction that can affect anyone, regardless of gender expression. It is often painful, with a split between the person’s inner self, and that which is expressed and projected out into the world. Maintaining a difference of this kind takes a lot of energy, and is self-abusive in my view.
While it is interesting to discover the roots of people pleasing, for me the important thing is working with it in the present moment. Finding ways to witness, sponsor and set free that within which has been denied and squashed down, and to witness, sponsor and release that within us that oppresses and squashes for fear of doing other is important. These are patterns that are internalised and that we do to ourselves, based on our life experiences and projections of what we expect to happen here and now.
Separating here and now, and there and then, and supporting ourselves to live with but not defined by our fear is a deep and nourishing path. There are many ways to travel it, psychotherapy is one option, but self-development is vast in its spread and we each find the way that is right for us right now.
An initial step towards congruence is to come to know our own bodily signals for yes, no, and maybe. Our body remembers, and knows, and we ignore it at our peril. Noticing the patterns in responses across situations can help you identify what is being communicated. You can then drop in and listen and take note, pausing to reflect on what is good for you to do.
Personally, I am re-membering that only a YESSSSS is good enough, if I don’t want to regret and revisit my decisions and choices. I believe unequivocally that we are all worth what is good for us, and we do not have to settle. This is not always the easiest position to hold, but when I hold it, I find it serves me well.
