Uncomfortable conversations are OK. Emotions are OK. Real matters.
I wrote these three notes to myself a few days ago to remind me that I wanted to blog on this subject. I came back to them and wondered if really any more needed to be said, they pretty much cover it for me!
Working with both couples and individuals, there is a pattern across cases of a desire to avoid difficult and challenging conversations. It can come from many places, politeness, social and cultural expectations, people-pleasing, low self-esteem, fear, anxiety…there is not one cause and nor are any two clients the same.
What is universally true is that when we are unable to be with what is difficult or unpleasant, we limit what of us can be seen, heard, felt and experienced by the other. We hold back parts of ourselves. Oftentimes, this may serve us well and may be sensible, but if it becomes habitual it can lead to hurt and resentment both for us as we feel unseen, unheard, unacknowledged and unloved, but also for the other as they feel our distance and lack of trust.
Meaningful relationships are not always plain sailing. They need authenticity, and that means speaking up about the bits that do not work for us and sharing what is upsetting. It means owning our own feelings and thoughts, and being prepared to stand psychologically naked with those we love and trust, gifting them the same space to be seen, heard, felt and loved.
Learning to argue and differ well is essential to any long term relationship, be it a family one, a friendship, or a romantic relationship. Not all relationships have the same depth and nor should they, the people we bare all to are rightly few and far between. However, when we find those people, cherishing them and nurturing the bonds between us is essential work, however gritty it may sometimes be.
Uncomfortable conversations are OK. Emotions are OK. Real matters. You matter, all of you.
