A consistent theme bringing couples into couples counselling is the loss of their sense of togetherness, a loss of intimacy. I often hear people talking about feeling like part of the furniture, or not feeling seen and heard, of missing the connection that they used to enjoy.
If this is an issue in your relationship, you might ask yourself how often you take the time to really notice your lover. When you come home do you deliberately make eye contact, and take a moment to greet each other? When you pass each other do you reach out to connect, to smile, to give a gentle touch? Do you do things that let the other know you have them in mind, sending loving texts just for the hell of it, or leaving a note somewhere they will find it, or a small treat in their work bag? Do you anticipate the things they want or may need and do them without being asked to, making their life just that bit easier and more joyful?
One simple tool when you feel connection is missing is to begin with some gazing. It’s really simple, and often powerful. Sit, or stand, facing each other. Then, wordlessly, gaze into each other’s eyes. Take a few moments to just see, notice, experience...and then see where this takes you. Laughter, kisses, touch, dialogue...there is no right answer, all you are looking for is to stop, be present, and be open.
Making this a regular part of your relationship care plan can be very useful. Really taking the time to just look and be with, and not spring into action can be beneficial, just to sense each other and give the message you care enough to really turn up.
Intimacy and connection take investment, they are not givens. They will ebb and flow, and your relationship needs care and attention. I hope this blog post prompts you to talk about what is working well for you both, and to be open about what you would like to change, and I hope it brings a sense of the possible. Love, after all, is a verb.
I’m a couples counsellor working online and in person in Gainford, County Durham, close to Darlington, Barnard Castle and Bishop Auckland.
