Identifying and managing DARVO in relationships

Fe Robinson
Jun 9
2 min read

I recently came across the acronym DARVO to explain a pattern that can happen in abusive relationships, and I wanted to share it for anyone who may find it useful. Idenitfying and managing DARVO in relationships is really important, it is a toxic and damaging manipulative practice.

DARVO stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender.

This tactic, which is manipulative, is used by perpetrators to deflect accountability by denying their wrongdoing, by attacking the accuser's credibility, and by portraying themselves as the actual victim.

How the Cycle Works

Deny: The manipulator completely denies that the harmful behavior or event ever happened.
Attack: The manipulator attacks the person confronting them, often questioning their memory, mental state, or character.
Reverse Victim and Offender: The manipulator flips the roles, claiming they are the ones being bullied, harassed, or unfairly targeted, forcing the original victim into the role of the wrongdoer.

This tactic is used psychologically in order to protect the ego, to control the narrative, and to cause their victims to feel confused, guilty, and isolated, which reduces their power.

How to Handle It

Navigating a DARVO response can be incredibly disorienting. It can take some time to spot the patterns, and given you are being manipulated, unfortunately you may overly question your version of reality and fall into believing the narrative that you are being told. this is one of the things that can keep someone in an abusive relationship that they would otherwise leave, and can take time and effort to overcome.

So, what can you do:

Recognize the pattern: Identifying the tactic as DARVO can help reduce self-doubt and prevent you from internalizing the blame.
Keep meticulous records: Document dates, times, and exact interactions to keep yourself grounded in objective reality.
Disengage: Do not get trapped in circular arguments. Withdraw from the conversation if you feel unsafe or unheard.
Seek support: Professional help may be helpful or necessary, especially in toxic or abusive relationships.

Before moving on, the most important thing to bear in mind is safety, and making sure you are not placing yourself in risks without having ways of managing them and support in place.

Resources for navigating abusive behaviors and coercive control can be found through the ⁠National Domestic Violence Hotline or the charities Refuge (https://refuge.org.uk/) and Harbour (https://www.myharbour.org.uk/). You can read more about the psychological science behind this behavior on the ⁠Wikipedia DARVO Page.