Were you raised for autonomy or loyalty?

Were you raised for autonomy or raised for loyalty? Esther Perel posed this insightful question recently, and it struck a chord with me.

Our early experiences have a profound effect on our developing personalities. I believe we are born with many potentials, and our early life switches some on, and leaves others unstimulated.

What was the culture in your family of origin? What mattered? What got time and attention? What was minimised or discouraged? Who were you expected to be?

Giving time and reflection to questions like these can help you develop an understanding of why you show up in relationships in your adult life in the way that you do. We carry forwards the patterns we learned, often without conscious awareness. Many of them will serve us well, all of them will feel familiar. Some though will at some point no longer serve us and begin to feel like symptoms.

It’s crucial to realise that any way of being, in the moment it arose, was the best adaptation we could make in that moment to what was happening. Rather than judging, it’s important to understand, and to accept. From that point, we can then choose to change.